connecting the dots

Excited

2010-01-25T15:34:00.004+11:00

"Excited? That's a new emotion in quite a while, huh?" My doctor replied.

"Yeah, I guess so," I replied with a smile. The break did wonders. Alhamdulillah.

The doctor smiled too. And then broke into a laugh. She was happy for me. Alhamdulillah.

_____________________________________________________

Dear Arif,

It's great to hear from you again. I am really looking forward to having you back in Southern Clinical School.

Kind regards,

Assoc Prof Dr Michelle Leech.

_____________________________________________________

Saudara Ahmad Arif Hussin,

Sukacita dimaklumkan, permohonan anda diluluskan.

JPA.

_____________________________________________________

Alhamdulillah. Syukur kepada Allah...

"Maka sesungguhnya bersama kesulitan ada kemudahan. Sesungguhnya bersama kesulitan ada kemudahan" - Surah al-Insyirah: ayat 5-6.

A new decade

2010-01-15T15:51:00.007+11:00

Alhamdulillah

things have been intense for the past year

alhamdulillah

Allah has granted me faith and support from people i hold dear

alhamdulillah

though the downs seem to be persistent

the ups are ahead, and I am content

alhamdulillah

perseverance and patience have brought wonders

though throwing in the towel have crossed my mind

life does feel like it should be

and I am happy to say I am fine

I am happy to say things will be fine

no matter the outcome

because Allah is with those who believes in Him

...with utmost appreciation to those who have shed love and support during the trying times...

Apologetic

2009-03-17T23:32:00.003+11:00

I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so messed up
I'm sorry I haven't been to class in the last 5 weeks
I'm sorry I haven't answered the faculty's calls that they thought I was dead
I'm sorry they had to unlock my bedroom door to make sure I wasn't dead
I'm sorry I don't know what's wrong with me

I'm sorry I feel so alone
I'm sorry I haven't told my family how i'm feeling
I'm sorry I feel so weak
I'm sorry I cannot express how I feel cause I think it's a sign of weakness
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I think I should be perfect

I'm sorry I'm not funnier
heck, I'm sorry I'm not the least bit funny
I'm sorry I'm not sociable
I'm sorry I don't smile much
I'm sorry I cannot tell jokes
I'm sorry I prefer being quiet
I'm sorry I don't know what to say to fill the quietness

I'm sorry I don't know how to act
I'm sorry I can't bear acting anymore
I'm sorry I don't want to act like a doctor
I'm sorry I don't want to be a doctor
I'm sorry I can't bear being wrong in the hospital
I'm sorry I feel so stupid in the hospital
I'm sorry I feel so dumb when I cannot answer questions in rounds

I'm sorry I don't want to live with other people
I'm sorry I feel I'm burdening people with my problems
I'm sorry I feel I'm difficult whenever I ask for help
I'm sorry I don't open up enough to people
I'm sorry I open up too much to people
I'm sorry at times I babble about myself too much that people get annoyed

I'm sorry I am not a better son
I'm sorry I am not a better brother
I'm sorry I am not a better friend
I'm sorry I am not a better student
I'm sorry I am not a better slave
I'm sorry I am not a better person

I'm sorry I feel sorry for myself
I'm sorry I am myself
I'm sorry for everything

Farif

2009-03-04T22:32:00.004+11:00

There is something very special about this guy. I first knew him at INTEC, which was like yesterday. On 2005, we were in the same class. He sat at the back, I sat in the middle. He sat on the left, I was on the right. Back then, the one thing I remember about him was the way he speaks when he has to address the whole class. It was charmingly formal and proper – very distinct from the way he chatted with us. As time went by, I learnt he was a debater, an excellent one at that. Sometimes, I would enter his room in the hostel when I was bored and I would always see him studying. He would be glued to his books and I would instantly go back to my room in embarassment because I should be studying too.

There is another very special thing about this guy. His handwriting. MasyaAllah, how I wish I could write like he does. To say it’s beautiful is an understatement. I remember having a difficult time to borrow his Physics notes because so many people have booked it beforehand. You see, Physics was a sleeping pill and dozing off would mean you could not copy the notes in time. As far as I can remember, Farif was able to copy the notes. There is another very special thing about this guy. His determination. Back at INTEC, he sometimes second-guessed himself. But despite the obstacles he had to overcome, he continued to surpass the odds and emerged victorious. In the end, he scored a really high TER.

When we left for Melbourne, Farif was the few people I knew in University of Melbourne. It took me a month or so before I finally went to visit his apartment (He didn’t visit my room in Halls until the middle of the year..hehe). I finally got to know him in Melbourne. He is an incredible cook. He loves spicy food and loves too cook them. And I love to eat them. When he decided to sell Nasi Lemak with Ridhuan at Uni, I would sometimes travel from Clayton to Melbourne just to buy some of his home-made Nasi Lemak. Hmm… now I don’t know how to continue this entry. I have tons of things to write that it is a bit overwhelming. We have gone through a lot over the past few years and it seems impossible to put it all in writing.

We have changed a lot too. Since our first year in Melbourne, we have had our ups and downs and Farif has stood up for what he believed in. There were times when we disagreed and times when we were on the same page but alhamdulillah, we have not killed each other, yet.

Farif is going back to Malaysia in 2 days. He will give delight to his family in Pulau Indah and leave us in Melbourne. Melbourne will not be the same. I will miss his spicy cooking. I will miss his voice whenever he sings nasyid without a care in the world. I will miss his jokes and sarcasm. I pray that he will be happy and contented with what he has achieved so far. I pray that he will continue to have aspiring dreams to be the best that he can be. I pray that no matter how difficult life treats him, he will sail through them with greater confidence and substance. I pray that this friendship will survive the test of time.

InsyaAllah, akan bertemu lagi. Ana doakan enta sentiasa dalam redha Allah. Semoga zatiyah dan himmah semakin mantap, moga terus tsabat di jalan yang benar, jalan yang insyaAllah membawa kita ke syurga yang kekal abadi.

Ana uhibbuka fillah ya akhi Farif…

Panas

2009-01-29T23:07:00.008+11:00

The summer holidays are over. Back to Melbourne, where the weather is scorching and the summer breeze seems to peel off what's left of my skin (exaggeration je). It was definitely hot. But then again, what's waiting for us in the hereafter is unimaginable, the hotness, the fire... the hell that awaits those who does not repent, those who fail to do their bidding whilst Allah still provide them with life. I pray that Allah gives all of us strength and wisdom to see that the challenges we face in the world is nothing compared to what He has in store for us if we fail as His servants.

Acceptance

2008-11-10T22:35:00.004+11:00

Alhamdulillah... Patience is definitely a virtue. A worth-while virtue at that.

It has been 2 weeks since I last visited my GP. I had seen her on a weekly basis before that, with some occasional missed appointments. The last time I saw my GP, we decided that I will work on making sure that I can push myself to go to my Clinical Bedsite Tute - a very daunting task indeed. Alhamdulillah, with the grace of Allah, I managed to fulfill that aim albeit at the expense of the other tutes. You see, my brain thought that I should spend my time preparing for the Clinical Bedsite Tute, which means I have to miss the other tutes. It is as true as it is irrational. I guess the silver lining was the fact that I did manage to 'crawl' to the hospital. Alhamdulillah. Allah is the Greatest.

Alas, things went downhill after that.

I psyched myself out every single second. 'Everyone else is so much better than you' 'You are not worth it' 'You can't even remember the Cranial Nerves' 'You keep on forgetting the Surahs you've memorized' 'You can't even hold a decent conversation with other people' 'You don't even cook well' 'You just sleep all day long' 'You keep on burdening other people with your problem' 'You always run away from your problems' 'You can't get along with people' etc etc etc...

Until finally, I hit a bottomless pit. A pitch black pit that sucked the life out of me. Astaghfirullahalazim...
Nevertheless, I thank Allah for blessing me with such incredible parents who are always there with undying support and unconditional love, such joyful and lovable siblings who kept me on my toes and friends who truly defines the meaning of Ukhuwah Fillah. Alhamdulillah.
All of them pulled me up. Out of the pit. Back on track. Allah is the Most Beneficent.

Today, I went to the GP with a smile. I told her, 'I haven't felt this good in months!'
Her eyes smiled as she grinned with joy. I honestly haven't felt this happy and contented since last year. I told her what had happened for the past few weeks. She listened attentively as I described every detail with utmost purity. We worked out how to deal with the faculty regarding my absence from tutorials and she helped out on how to get back on track with my studies.

Everything went smoothly. I told her I'll be going back to Malaysia for the summer holidays. She gave me enough prescriptions till next year. I anxiously await to leave the consultation room and continue my excellent day.

She then said, 'Well, see you next year then! Have a good holiday! Good luck for your exams!'

I said, 'Huh? No consultation next week?'

She replied, 'You don't need it. You have finally accepted it and dealt with it. I am very proud of you. I think this experience will make you an excellent doctor'

I was stumped. Happy. But stumped. Gloriously Happy. But still stumped.

No more appointments! At least for this year... hehe... I left the consultation feeling refreshed, exuberant and jubilant and so many other positive emotions... Alhamdulillah. Allah is the Greatest. Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah...

Thank you all!

Awake

2008-10-29T20:59:00.004+11:00

Every bit of every second
he stood by it
for all the years gone by
without a single cry

Every bit of every second
he knew what he wanted
oh so he thought
he lived for it,
believing that's why he was created

Every inch of him
was primmed, trimmed...like a dream
that was not his.

Pathetic, sure it is
cliche you may say
yet, he lived through it
what a treat

But all that,
he knew not...not till now

Years of sleepwalking, he is finally awake
Alas, he knows not what to do with this break.

Princes Park, Parkville
29 Oct 2008
6.50pm

another egotistical entry

2008-10-21T16:55:00.003+11:00

Rahmat Allah melingkupi segenap ruang hidup kita. It’s true. The question is, do you truly understand that and act on it?

Over the past few months, I have convinced myself that I am lacking in myriads of areas. Even though some people look at me in awe and admire the things I can do, I always manage to dismiss all that and prove to them that I am good for nothing. And for that, I am truly disgraceful.

Allah has shown His love for me all these years. Whenever I feel doors of opportunity has been closed for good, He always open them back again, just enough for me to walk through it. I had tonnes of example and looking back, it is just unbelievable how incredibly blessed my life had been.

Back in Standard 5, I enrolled into a private Tahfiz school (IQKL – Institut Al-Quran Kuala Lumpur). I left my primary school in the middle of the semester amidst clear disagreement by my teachers. I was excited to go. Alhamdulillah I can still remember the Surahs I memorized back then. However, being so young and so close to home (the institute was in Damansara), I couldn’t combat the homesickness. I left the institute after a month. Despite my long absence from school, I was blessed by excellent teachers who groomed me to be the best I can. And I think due to the month-long stint in IQKL, my brain and soul were untainted (cleaned). Thus, it was relatively easier to absorb knowledge and get back on track with the rest of the class. In fact, I never felt more at peace and clear-minded. Rahmat Allah, clearly.

After SPM, I was adamant to pursue Maths or English. But a lot was at stake and Medicine seemed to be the best choice at that time. After all, the opportunities were laid before me. After choosing to accept MARA’s offer to read Medicine in Russia, I thought everything is settled. But then my heart was not in it, and I told Pn Nik Noraizah (the MARA officer who was in charge of Russia at that time) that I want to change my course. I told her it was either Maths or English. She let me go. Hence, I entered Malaysian Matriculation in hopes of becoming a Maths or English teacher. However, another opportunity came about. JPA offered me to do Medicine in Australia. I thought about it and jumped at the opportunity though knowing full well where my passion lies. I convinced myself that Allah has given me so many opportunities, it is probably a sign and I should make use of the opportunities. Rahmat Allah, guna sebaiknya.

I left Kolej MARA Kulim and entered INTEC (Ausmat 16). Ausmat was particularly challenging. The stress, the lack of sleep, the lack of self-control etc. Tapi, alhamdulillah atas Rahmat Allah, I scraped through.

Here I am. Monash University. I was confident I would have to repeat my 2^nd year, but once again, Rahmat Allah, I pulled through. This year is different though. I hope I can still push through. Don’t get me wrong, I know Allah does not present us with success if we do not work for it. I know I’ve put a lot of effort all my short life. But in times of need, I do sometimes feel I don’t deserve what I have. Astaghfirullah

Rahmat Allah, sangat berharga. I love Him. I really do. Alhamdulillah, Subhanallah, AllahuAkbar…

…aku hanya hamba kerdil…

Primary

2008-10-21T16:15:00.011+11:00

The primary reason why I chose to blog was to share significant experience and impart the puny little knowledge that Allah has vested in me. I think the last entry failed to do that. In retrospect, I don't think it was significant enough. It was clearly a significant chapter in my life. I just don't think it was significant enough for other people who read it. What i mean is, I don't think it is fruitful for them to read about it. I just find that entry to be rather self-absorbed and narcissistic. But then again, this entry is too.

Just my two cents...

Awan Gelap

2008-10-10T21:55:00.009+11:00

Dark clouds, all over. All over. Enveloping the sky. No sun. No light. Everything is grey, dark. Gloomy.

Was it two months ago? No, probably three. Hmm… maybe even more than that. Usually winter is gloomy, and the gloom ends with the start of spring. But, the gloom never went away. It got darker. Too dark to bear. I could not see. I could not feel the ray of sunlight brushing against me. I’ve had enough.

Help was sought but help wasn’t too helpful. Not as much as I hoped for. But then again, maybe I was hoping for a miracle, that could never happen. I took the medication. I guess it was supposed to shed some light, make the sun shine again. But it never did. Even if it did, it was not for long. I long for some sun. Just a little bit.

Days went by. Weeks went by. Not much changed. The sky is still dark. For some reason, it got darker. I had three appointments that I missed. Three! Who does such a thing?! Who?! Well, I did. Embarassing.

My room felt like a cage. A cage that had no doors. But I have to get out. I cannot stay in. But I could not. I was not strong enough. Where have the strength gone to? So weak. So unbelievably weak. Embarassing.

This week, was the worst week ever.

I summoned enough might to let myself out of the cage. Drove for an hour. Went through a blistering weather. Was stuck in traffic. Scrambled to find my notes for the tutorial that I had. Really scrambled. But couldn’t find it. Went out. In hopes to attend the tutorial. Disappointed that I don’t have the notes. What will I say to the tutor? How will I join in the discussion? How can I understand the material that we have to learn? What will my friends think of me? Thought about all the possible negative thoughts that other people might have about me. They’ll probably say, “Ah, once again, he’s late. That good for nothing guy!”. I arrived. Stepped in front of the tutorial room. Saw everyone inside. The tutorial had commenced. I was late. Late and unprepared. I was 3 cm away from the door. I saw the door knob. My mind wanted to reach for it. But I didn’t. I stepped back. One step. Two steps. Three steps. I turned around. And walked. I stopped again. What am I doing? I am supposed to go in and attend the tutorial. Why am I going back? I convinced myself that it would be embarassing to attend the tutorial. People will laugh at me. People will hate me. I have to leave. And so I did. Embarassing.

I have no confidence. None whatsoever. It is embarassing. I have huge responsibilities. Yet, I cannot fulfill them cause I don’t think I can. Wish it is 25 november 2008. I want to go back. Yes I do.

Kecil

2008-06-15T22:39:00.002+10:00

Allah Maha Besar
Allah Maha Kuasa
aku cuma hamba kecil yang hina

Lesu

2008-06-15T22:24:00.012+10:00

lewat sore ini
kelesuan menyinggah
dan masih belum pergi
tetap kekal hingga saat ini

lewat sore itu
keresahan kian memuncak
bibit-bibit kesayuan bermula
menyelimuti lesu dan resah
akal dan minda mula merangka
mencari di mana mulanya
mengapa mulanya
segala yang ku rasa

sepi
tiada insan dengan telinga
tiada insan dengan mata
tiada insan dengan hati... dan jiwa
merasa apa yang dirasakan

sendirian
melalui detik-detik payah
mengharap Ya Rabbi
mengharap kekuatan dari-Nya
namun hakikat menjengah tiba
setiap rasa itu dari-Nya

maka siapalah aku
hanya mampu pasrah...redha

merungkai misteri di sebalik setiap rasa
yang berputik
biarpun lesu

hilang buku

2008-06-14T14:32:00.006+10:00

Hari itu, ada Clinical Bedsite Tutorial. Sangat teruja untuk pergi ke hospital. Tak tahu kenapa wujud keterujaan itu. Berbekalkan senaskhah buku Clinical Examination, Talley and O'Connor, saya melangkah masuk ke Clinical Room di Respiratory Ward. Teman-teman yang lain sedang menunggu ketibaan Tutor kami. Setibanya Dr Barzagan ke ward itu, kami memulakan perbincangan. Saya merujuk buku Clinical Examination itu agar lebih memahami apa yang kami bincangkan. Alhamdulillah, semuanya dapat saya fahami, dengan rahmat Allah dan wasilah buku tadi.

Tutorial kami tamat. Saya berasa sungguh puas dengan ilmu yang baru diterima. Puas dengan komitmen diri. Puas dengan komitmen teman-teman dan tutor. Kepuasan yang dicampakkan oleh Allah jua. Saya bergegas pulang supaya dapat mengikut solat Maghrib berjamaah di Masjid. Selesai mengabdikan diri pada Allah, saya memandu kereta ke rumah. Lauk semalam masih ada, tidak perlu memasak hari ini. Lalu saya bercadang untuk membelek buku Clinical Examination tadi, supaya dapat menghafal fakta-fakta penting.

Beg galasku dibuka. Buku itu tiada. Saya mencari di dalam kereta. Tiada juga. Saya kaget. Buku itu hilang. Saya mencari lagi, berkali-kali. Namun hasilnya tetap sama. Risau sungguh saat itu. Buku itu bukan milik saya. Ia dipinjam dari perpustakaan universiti. Tidak lama lagi, tamat tempoh pinjaman. Saya tidak mahu membayar denda lewat. Saya juga tidak sanggup membayar kos buku itu jika ia benar-benar hilang.

Usaha mencari masih gagal. Saya ke hospital. Di Clinical Room yang sama, saya mencari buku itu. Mana tahu, tertinggal di sana. Buku itu tiada. Saya bertanya kepada Ketua Jururawat di ward itu. Berkali-kali dia memohon maaf kerana tidak dapat membantu saya. Saya pasrah. Namun, tinggal satu lagi usaha yang boleh dilakukan. Saya ke perpustakaan di hospital itu.

"Hi. I have an enquiry. I'm looking for a book titled Clinical Examination. Talley and O'Connor? I might left it in the wards when we were having a tutorial. I was wondering if there was someone kind enough to send it here?" Saya bertanya dengan nada berharap.

"I see. That's a tough break. Let me have a look first," dia menjawab dengan senyuman.
"Is it your book?" dia bertanya pula.

"No, I borrowed it from the Uni," saya menjawab.
Librarian itu mencari dengan sungguh-sungguh. Keikhlasannya untuk membantu sangat nyata kelihatan. Tapi, buku itu masih tidak dijumpai.
"I'm very sorry. I don't think it is here. I wish you good luck. Hopefully you will find it. Who knows, maybe someone send it straight to the Uni library."
"I hope so too," saya berkata.

Saya pulang ke rumah. Dalam minda, berlegar-legar harga buku itu. Saya mencongak-congak jumlah wang yang perlu dibayar untuk menggantikan buku yang hilang itu. Sangat besar jumlahnya. Tidak mampu rasanya untuk ditampung.

Esoknya, saya merancang untuk ke perpustakaan Uni. Saya ingin melaporkan kehilangan buku itu. Sebelum itu, saya membuka emel universiti saya. Saya terkejut. Kenapa begitu? Di situ, tertulis bahawa saya sudah pun memulangkan buku Clinical Examination itu. Acap kali saya memeriksa emel saya. Saya tidak yakin dengan apa yang dilihat. Namun, skrin masih menyatakan bahawa buku itu sudah berada di perpustakaan uni.

Hebat sungguh orang Australia. Etika mereka mengagumkan. Aku sangat kagum. Walaupun negara ini bukan negara Islam, tetapi sikap mereka sungguh bagus. Memang ada keburukan yang nyata di negara ini. Contohnya alkohol, parti-parti yang sarat dengan pergaulan bebas, sistem kekeluargaan yang sudah rapuh dan sebagainya. Tetapi, dari segi etika kerja, dan moral, mereka sangat jauh ke hadapan. Saya tidak dapat bayangkan perkara yang sama berlaku di bumi Malaysia. Mungkin ada segelintir manusia di Malaysia yang sejujur itu, tetapi secara jujurnya, kebanyakan orang mungkin tidak akan sebaik itu.

Buku itu buku yang mahal. Jika ada manusia yang tidak jujur menjumpainya, banyak wang yang boleh didapatinya jika dia jual semula buku itu. Tapi, itu tidak berlaku. Orang yang menemui buku itu ternyata sangat amanah. Dia tidak mengambil buku itu. Dia tidak menjual buku itu. Dia terus menghantar buku itu ke tempat asalnya. Walaupun tiada sesiapa yang akan tahu jika dia mengambilnya.

Hakikatnya, saya tidak tahu siapa yang menjumpai buku itu. Dia mungkin seorang Muslim. Dia mungkin Kristian. Dia mungkin lelaki. Mungkin juga perempuan. Dia mungkin tua. Mungkin juga kanak-kanak. Tapi, saya tahu akhlaknya baik. Saya tahu moralnya tinggi. Saya tahu, dunia ini akan sangat aman jika ramai lagi orang sepertinya.

Hopefully one day, something like this will occur in my country, without people actually asking the question, "Really? Did that really happen?" Semoga senario sebegininya menjadi kebiasaan di tanahairku. Ameen..

Where is Allah?

2008-06-09T14:44:00.004+10:00

Pernah suatu ketika, seorang sahabat mendekati saya tika jiwa berkecamuk dengan cabaran-cabaran yang mendatang. Tampak jelas saya seolah-olah tidak mampu untuk berdiri teguh merentas hari-hari yang sarat dengan isu dan masalah. Sahabat itu, dengan galak matanya dan senyuman manisnya menyapaku dengan tenang. Ketenangan yang sudah agak asing bagi diri aku. Tidak banyak yang dilontarkan dari bibir sahabat itu. Namun, kata-katanya masih terngiang-ngiang di telinga, terpasak di minda dan mengakar di sanubari ini.

Saya masih ingat persoalan yang dilemparkan olehnya. Persoalan yang diajukannya membuatkan saya terpaku tanpa kata.

Ia bertanya, apakah kekuatan yang mendorong kamu untuk beramal dan menyampaikan risalah Allah?

Saya tersentak.

What kind of question is this? Where is he going with the question? Is this a trick question?

All kinds of queries raced through my mind, but I was still mum with no answer.

“Faham ke tak soalannya?” dia bertanya lagi sambil mengukir senyuman.

Saya mengangguk, meskipun hati masih belum 100% pasti dengan pemahaman sendiri.

“Erm, rasanya, banyak juga punca-punca kekuatan saya. Saya sentiasa terdorong oleh sahabat-sahabat lain yang sama-sama beramal untuk Allah SWT. Ramai sahabat-sahabat yang sentiasa memberi teguran, peringatan dan mengajak meningkatkan amalan-amalan seharian. Kemudian, tarbiyyah yang saya lalui juga banyak membantu membina zatiyah dalam diri. Tarbiyyah itu memberi kesedaran yang besar tentang tanggungjawab sebenar seorang muslim. Rasanya, fitrah manusia itu sendiri juga mainkan peranan. Kita sebagai manusia sememangnya diciptakan untuk memakmurkan bumi Allah berlandaskan hukum-hukum Allah, semestinya elemen fitrah juga menolak diri saya untuk melaksanakan tanggungjawab sebagai hambaNya.”

Itulah celoteh saya untuk meyakinkan sahabat itu.

Sekali lagi, dia tersenyum. Saya senyum kembali sambil memandang tepat ke matanya.

Dia pun bersuara, “Okay, so, you mentioned your friends, tarbiyyah and fitrah.” Saya mengangguk tanda setuju.

Dia menambah, “Di mana Allah dalam kekuatan kamu?”

Astaghfirullahalazim. Saya tertampar dengan persoalan itu. Tamparan itu masih terasa sehingga kini. Persoalan itu membuka mata dan minda saya yang masih cetek ketika itu.

Di mana Allah? Apa peranan Allah dalam kekuatan dan zatiyah diri saya? Mengapa saya tidak sebutkan Allah sebagai kekuatan saya, sedangkan Allah sepatutnya menjadi tunjang utama kekuatan seorang daie.

Sejujurnya, saya sungguh kecewa dengan diri sendiri. Saya sedar, akhlak manusia itu terpancar pada pertuturan dan perbuatannya yang paling spontan. I was disappointed with the fact that I did not spontaneously mention Allah as my core strength. I listed other factors like the constant reminders from my peers, the upbringing and knowledge gained through education and tarbiyyah, as well as the nature of humankind as Allah’s slave. But, I failed to mention Allah per se.

“Astaghfirullah. Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa hambamu ini, terimalah taubat aku seadanya.”

Sahabat saya mendekati saya, lalu duduk sebelah-menyebelah. He wisely said,

“Selayaknya, Allah perlu menjadi sebab utama kita berada di sini. Allah perlu menjadi kekuatan utama kita dalam menghadapi hari-hari sebagai pembawa risalahNya. Memang tak dinafikan, kawan-kawan kita sangat banyak membantu kita, mereka banyak mengingatkan kita tentang tanggungjawab dan amalan yang perlu dibuat. Sahabat-sahabat kita juga yang selalu ada bersama kita dalam keadaan susah dan senang. Peranan mereka besar dalam memastikan kita terus tsabat dalam menjalankan amanah Allah. Namun begitu, hakikatnya semua datang dari Allah SWT.”

“Kita sering lupa hakikat di sebalik yang terlihat oleh mata kasar. Kita nampak sahabat-sahabat kita bersama kita. Kita nampak mereka ketawa dan menangis bersama. Makan, masak, riadah dan bersiar-siar bersama-sama. Tapi kadang-kadang kita terlepas pandang bahawa di sebalik itu semua, Allah yang merancang segalanya. Mungkin kalau kita duduk sendirian, muhasabah di waktu malam, kita tidak lupa bahawa Allah adalah perancang utama yang mengizinkan segalanya berlaku. However, in the spur of the moment, when we are around other people, having fun or feeling sad, we tend to forget that fact. We usually see and acknowledge things that we can physically visualize, failing to acknowledge the main superior in our lives, which is Allah.”

Saya masih lagi rasa malu dengan jawapanku tadi. Malu pada diri sendiri, malu pada sahabatku itu dan paling penting, malu pada Allah. Selayaknya, kita meletakkan Allah di puncak segala-galanya. Apabila saya merenung kembali peristiwa ini, banyak pengajaran boleh saya perolehi.

In my opinion, it all relates back to the initial intention that we had when we first told ourselves, “we want to be a better muslim, we want to spread Islam.” Why? What was the reason behind all that wants? Is it truthfully and honestly because of Allah, or was there another agenda lurking beneath that beautiful action? If we truly did it because of Allah, with He’s will, we won’t forget Allah throughout the course of our life as a Muslim. However, if we had other intentions, don’t fret. We still have time to repent and renew our intentions. Allah is Most Merciful and surely He loves His slaves who are constantly trying to improve and become better Muslims.

Jika kita meletakkan kekuatan kita pada sahabat-sahabat kita, apa agaknya akan berlaku jika kita tidak lagi bersama-sama sahabat kita? Apakah kita masih akan bertahan dan menjalankan amal dakwah dan menyebarkan risalah agung ini? Apakah kita masih mampu mengekalkan amalan-amalan Islami yang saban hari kita lakukan?

Maka, kekuatan kita perlu diletakkan pada Allah S.W.T. Allah yang menentukan segalanya. Dia yang memberi hidayah dan taufiq pada kita dan sahabat-sahabat kita. Kehadiran kita pada saat ini berada di bawah kekuasaan Allah semata-mata. Siapa kita untuk berserah kepada yang lain dariNya?

InsyaAllah, jika kita terus-menerus meletakkan Allah sebagai kekuatan utama, tak kira di mana kita berada, berseorangan atau beramai-ramai, di Malaysia atau di luar negara, kaya atau miskin, susah atau senang, sihat atau sakit; kita akan sentiasa mengingati amanah dan tanggungjawab kita sebagai Muslim sebenar.

Thus, in this very moment, truthfully and honestly,

Di mana Allah dalam kekuatan kamu?

an afternoon at scopes

2008-06-08T18:35:00.000+10:00

Throughout this whole semester, a fair number of incidents that I encountered in the wards have had enormous impact on me. To an extent, there was indeed a certain emotional connection that pushed me to think outside the medical language and terms. However, for the purpose of this reflection, I believe it is somewhat impossible to cram all the experiences I have gained in one essay. Thus, I will focus on one, most recent incident that occurred a few days ago.

When this incident took place, we were attached to the Gastro-Med Ward. Hence, in hope of grabbing the learning opportunities, I asked for permission to join and observe an endoscopy. I was most fortunate to be given that chance and made my way to the endoscopy suite. After grabbing the gown and wearing protective clothing against radiation, the nurse introduced me to the doctor in charge. He seemed friendly and was very willing to impart knowledge – two most important criteria of a doctor in a teaching hospital. I took a spot to stand and watch whilst the endoscopy team prepared to start the procedure.

As I was watching, I noticed that the patient was semi-conscious. His eyes were partly open. His limbs were moving. He seemed uncomfortable. I was worried that the team would be oblivious to that fact. Fortunately, they were not. They were sensitive to the patient’s feelings and made sure their conversations were strictly professional. I heaved a sigh of relief. As the procedure went on, the doctor explained that the patient has a tumour below his liver, obstructing the duodenum and bile duct. Therefore, he was jaundiced. Then, the camera showed the insides of his gastrointestinal tract. Alas, the tumour has infiltrated and metastasized to the tract.

Upon questioning, the doctor revealed that the patient has a prognosis of a few weeks due to the extent of the cancer. I was quite depressing to hear. The doctor tried to release the obstruction. He failed. Another doctor wanted to give it a try. Once again, we saw the patient go through it. Amid his frailty, the procedure was necessary. Nevertheless, it was still painful to witness. While the effort continued, we were told that the patient’s wife was waiting outside. She also has cancer. I suddenly felt like a huge bolder dropped on my chest. I felt sorry for both of them.

Apparently, the patient had been taking care of his wife, who was diagnosed with breast cancer much earlier. His love and support for his wife were so infinite that he neglected his own health. I did not know how he presented to the hospital till he finally got diagnosed with cancer. However, I did know that he did not expect it. I could not imagine wearing his shoes. To dedicate your life taking care of a sickly loved one, and then to learn that you are sick and will leave your lover alone. It must be heartbreaking for both of them.

I could not focus on the endoscopy. My mind wondered around the unimaginable torment that the couple must have went through. Out of the blue, the doctor gave up. He could not release the obstruction. The tumour was too massive. Clearly, he looked disappointed. He was most distraught because he had to deliver the bad news to the patient’s wife, who was waiting anxiously outside the suite. The team packed up. We removed our gown. I decided to leave and head home.

As I was packing, my mind was still thinking about the couple. It just proved how fragile life is, how powerless we humans are, compared to the divine powers of God. Life is indeed a gift that has to be spent with utmost dignity and sincerity. To me, the patient who laid in bed helplessly has truly lived a dignified life. It is indeed a loss to his family. This incident has also taught me that doctors are not able to do everything. Even if they know what to do, sometimes it is just not possible. After all, doctors are humans.

Finally, I learnt an enormous lesson in breaking bad news. I had always been confused, whether it is wise to showcase your emotion as a doctor when you deliver bad news to a patient. Some people say it is better to stay nonchalant, while others say that expressive is the way to go. As I was walking along the corridor, heading for the exit, I saw the doctor talking to the patient’s wife. I paused. Both of them were sitting down. He had his arm on her shoulder. His face looked serious. The wife suddenly nodded. She then looked down and tears rolled down her cheeks. It was truly depressing to witness. But then, the doctor reassured her. His body language was emotive and emphatic. She then wiped her tears, stood up and shook hands with the doctor. He smiled. She did too.

I now know, as my training proceed, I will attempt to show emotions to patients, especially to people like this couple. At least they know, I am human too. Just like them.

a beginning... finally

2008-06-08T18:33:00.000+10:00

Alhamdulillah... after years and years and years of contemplating... this has been realized. May it become a testament of an ongoing effort to seek His acceptance and love. I pray that my intentions are pure and may it constantly be kept that way... in sya' Allah.