Awake

Every bit of every second
he stood by it
for all the years gone by
without a single cry

Every bit of every second
he knew what he wanted
oh so he thought
he lived for it,
believing that's why he was created

Every inch of him
was primmed, trimmed...like a dream
that was not his.

Pathetic, sure it is
cliche you may say
yet, he lived through it
what a treat

But all that,
he knew not...not till now

Years of sleepwalking, he is finally awake
Alas, he knows not what to do with this break.

Princes Park, Parkville
29 Oct 2008
6.50pm

another egotistical entry

Rahmat Allah melingkupi segenap ruang hidup kita. It’s true. The question is, do you truly understand that and act on it?

Over the past few months, I have convinced myself that I am lacking in myriads of areas. Even though some people look at me in awe and admire the things I can do, I always manage to dismiss all that and prove to them that I am good for nothing. And for that, I am truly disgraceful.

Allah has shown His love for me all these years. Whenever I feel doors of opportunity has been closed for good, He always open them back again, just enough for me to walk through it. I had tonnes of example and looking back, it is just unbelievable how incredibly blessed my life had been.

Back in Standard 5, I enrolled into a private Tahfiz school (IQKL – Institut Al-Quran Kuala Lumpur). I left my primary school in the middle of the semester amidst clear disagreement by my teachers. I was excited to go. Alhamdulillah I can still remember the Surahs I memorized back then. However, being so young and so close to home (the institute was in Damansara), I couldn’t combat the homesickness. I left the institute after a month. Despite my long absence from school, I was blessed by excellent teachers who groomed me to be the best I can. And I think due to the month-long stint in IQKL, my brain and soul were untainted (cleaned). Thus, it was relatively easier to absorb knowledge and get back on track with the rest of the class. In fact, I never felt more at peace and clear-minded. Rahmat Allah, clearly.

After SPM, I was adamant to pursue Maths or English. But a lot was at stake and Medicine seemed to be the best choice at that time. After all, the opportunities were laid before me. After choosing to accept MARA’s offer to read Medicine in Russia, I thought everything is settled. But then my heart was not in it, and I told Pn Nik Noraizah (the MARA officer who was in charge of Russia at that time) that I want to change my course. I told her it was either Maths or English. She let me go. Hence, I entered Malaysian Matriculation in hopes of becoming a Maths or English teacher. However, another opportunity came about. JPA offered me to do Medicine in Australia. I thought about it and jumped at the opportunity though knowing full well where my passion lies. I convinced myself that Allah has given me so many opportunities, it is probably a sign and I should make use of the opportunities. Rahmat Allah, guna sebaiknya.

I left Kolej MARA Kulim and entered INTEC (Ausmat 16). Ausmat was particularly challenging. The stress, the lack of sleep, the lack of self-control etc. Tapi, alhamdulillah atas Rahmat Allah, I scraped through.

Here I am. Monash University. I was confident I would have to repeat my 2^nd year, but once again, Rahmat Allah, I pulled through. This year is different though. I hope I can still push through. Don’t get me wrong, I know Allah does not present us with success if we do not work for it. I know I’ve put a lot of effort all my short life. But in times of need, I do sometimes feel I don’t deserve what I have. Astaghfirullah

Rahmat Allah, sangat berharga. I love Him. I really do. Alhamdulillah, Subhanallah, AllahuAkbar…

…aku hanya hamba kerdil…

Primary

The primary reason why I chose to blog was to share significant experience and impart the puny little knowledge that Allah has vested in me. I think the last entry failed to do that. In retrospect, I don't think it was significant enough. It was clearly a significant chapter in my life. I just don't think it was significant enough for other people who read it. What i mean is, I don't think it is fruitful for them to read about it. I just find that entry to be rather self-absorbed and narcissistic. But then again, this entry is too.

Just my two cents...

Awan Gelap

Dark clouds, all over. All over. Enveloping the sky. No sun. No light. Everything is grey, dark. Gloomy.

Was it two months ago? No, probably three. Hmm… maybe even more than that. Usually winter is gloomy, and the gloom ends with the start of spring. But, the gloom never went away. It got darker. Too dark to bear. I could not see. I could not feel the ray of sunlight brushing against me. I’ve had enough.

Help was sought but help wasn’t too helpful. Not as much as I hoped for. But then again, maybe I was hoping for a miracle, that could never happen. I took the medication. I guess it was supposed to shed some light, make the sun shine again. But it never did. Even if it did, it was not for long. I long for some sun. Just a little bit.

Days went by. Weeks went by. Not much changed. The sky is still dark. For some reason, it got darker. I had three appointments that I missed. Three! Who does such a thing?! Who?! Well, I did. Embarassing.

My room felt like a cage. A cage that had no doors. But I have to get out. I cannot stay in. But I could not. I was not strong enough. Where have the strength gone to? So weak. So unbelievably weak. Embarassing.

This week, was the worst week ever.

I summoned enough might to let myself out of the cage. Drove for an hour. Went through a blistering weather. Was stuck in traffic. Scrambled to find my notes for the tutorial that I had. Really scrambled. But couldn’t find it. Went out. In hopes to attend the tutorial. Disappointed that I don’t have the notes. What will I say to the tutor? How will I join in the discussion? How can I understand the material that we have to learn? What will my friends think of me? Thought about all the possible negative thoughts that other people might have about me. They’ll probably say, “Ah, once again, he’s late. That good for nothing guy!”. I arrived. Stepped in front of the tutorial room. Saw everyone inside. The tutorial had commenced. I was late. Late and unprepared. I was 3 cm away from the door. I saw the door knob. My mind wanted to reach for it. But I didn’t. I stepped back. One step. Two steps. Three steps. I turned around. And walked. I stopped again. What am I doing? I am supposed to go in and attend the tutorial. Why am I going back? I convinced myself that it would be embarassing to attend the tutorial. People will laugh at me. People will hate me. I have to leave. And so I did. Embarassing.

I have no confidence. None whatsoever. It is embarassing. I have huge responsibilities. Yet, I cannot fulfill them cause I don’t think I can. Wish it is 25 november 2008. I want to go back. Yes I do.