Apologetic

I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so messed up
I'm sorry I haven't been to class in the last 5 weeks
I'm sorry I haven't answered the faculty's calls that they thought I was dead
I'm sorry they had to unlock my bedroom door to make sure I wasn't dead
I'm sorry I don't know what's wrong with me

I'm sorry I feel so alone
I'm sorry I haven't told my family how i'm feeling
I'm sorry I feel so weak
I'm sorry I cannot express how I feel cause I think it's a sign of weakness
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I think I should be perfect

I'm sorry I'm not funnier
heck, I'm sorry I'm not the least bit funny
I'm sorry I'm not sociable
I'm sorry I don't smile much
I'm sorry I cannot tell jokes
I'm sorry I prefer being quiet
I'm sorry I don't know what to say to fill the quietness

I'm sorry I don't know how to act
I'm sorry I can't bear acting anymore
I'm sorry I don't want to act like a doctor
I'm sorry I don't want to be a doctor
I'm sorry I can't bear being wrong in the hospital
I'm sorry I feel so stupid in the hospital
I'm sorry I feel so dumb when I cannot answer questions in rounds

I'm sorry I don't want to live with other people
I'm sorry I feel I'm burdening people with my problems
I'm sorry I feel I'm difficult whenever I ask for help
I'm sorry I don't open up enough to people
I'm sorry I open up too much to people
I'm sorry at times I babble about myself too much that people get annoyed

I'm sorry I am not a better son
I'm sorry I am not a better brother
I'm sorry I am not a better friend
I'm sorry I am not a better student
I'm sorry I am not a better slave
I'm sorry I am not a better person

I'm sorry I feel sorry for myself
I'm sorry I am myself
I'm sorry for everything

Farif

There is something very special about this guy. I first knew him at INTEC, which was like yesterday. On 2005, we were in the same class. He sat at the back, I sat in the middle. He sat on the left, I was on the right. Back then, the one thing I remember about him was the way he speaks when he has to address the whole class. It was charmingly formal and proper – very distinct from the way he chatted with us. As time went by, I learnt he was a debater, an excellent one at that. Sometimes, I would enter his room in the hostel when I was bored and I would always see him studying. He would be glued to his books and I would instantly go back to my room in embarassment because I should be studying too.

There is another very special thing about this guy. His handwriting. MasyaAllah, how I wish I could write like he does. To say it’s beautiful is an understatement. I remember having a difficult time to borrow his Physics notes because so many people have booked it beforehand. You see, Physics was a sleeping pill and dozing off would mean you could not copy the notes in time. As far as I can remember, Farif was able to copy the notes. There is another very special thing about this guy. His determination. Back at INTEC, he sometimes second-guessed himself. But despite the obstacles he had to overcome, he continued to surpass the odds and emerged victorious. In the end, he scored a really high TER.

When we left for Melbourne, Farif was the few people I knew in University of Melbourne. It took me a month or so before I finally went to visit his apartment (He didn’t visit my room in Halls until the middle of the year..hehe). I finally got to know him in Melbourne. He is an incredible cook. He loves spicy food and loves too cook them. And I love to eat them. When he decided to sell Nasi Lemak with Ridhuan at Uni, I would sometimes travel from Clayton to Melbourne just to buy some of his home-made Nasi Lemak. Hmm… now I don’t know how to continue this entry. I have tons of things to write that it is a bit overwhelming. We have gone through a lot over the past few years and it seems impossible to put it all in writing.

We have changed a lot too. Since our first year in Melbourne, we have had our ups and downs and Farif has stood up for what he believed in. There were times when we disagreed and times when we were on the same page but alhamdulillah, we have not killed each other, yet.

Farif is going back to Malaysia in 2 days. He will give delight to his family in Pulau Indah and leave us in Melbourne. Melbourne will not be the same. I will miss his spicy cooking. I will miss his voice whenever he sings nasyid without a care in the world. I will miss his jokes and sarcasm. I pray that he will be happy and contented with what he has achieved so far. I pray that he will continue to have aspiring dreams to be the best that he can be. I pray that no matter how difficult life treats him, he will sail through them with greater confidence and substance. I pray that this friendship will survive the test of time.

InsyaAllah, akan bertemu lagi. Ana doakan enta sentiasa dalam redha Allah. Semoga zatiyah dan himmah semakin mantap, moga terus tsabat di jalan yang benar, jalan yang insyaAllah membawa kita ke syurga yang kekal abadi.

Ana uhibbuka fillah ya akhi Farif…

Panas

The summer holidays are over. Back to Melbourne, where the weather is scorching and the summer breeze seems to peel off what's left of my skin (exaggeration je). It was definitely hot. But then again, what's waiting for us in the hereafter is unimaginable, the hotness, the fire... the hell that awaits those who does not repent, those who fail to do their bidding whilst Allah still provide them with life. I pray that Allah gives all of us strength and wisdom to see that the challenges we face in the world is nothing compared to what He has in store for us if we fail as His servants.

Acceptance

Alhamdulillah... Patience is definitely a virtue. A worth-while virtue at that.

It has been 2 weeks since I last visited my GP. I had seen her on a weekly basis before that, with some occasional missed appointments. The last time I saw my GP, we decided that I will work on making sure that I can push myself to go to my Clinical Bedsite Tute - a very daunting task indeed. Alhamdulillah, with the grace of Allah, I managed to fulfill that aim albeit at the expense of the other tutes. You see, my brain thought that I should spend my time preparing for the Clinical Bedsite Tute, which means I have to miss the other tutes. It is as true as it is irrational. I guess the silver lining was the fact that I did manage to 'crawl' to the hospital. Alhamdulillah. Allah is the Greatest.

Alas, things went downhill after that.

I psyched myself out every single second. 'Everyone else is so much better than you' 'You are not worth it' 'You can't even remember the Cranial Nerves' 'You keep on forgetting the Surahs you've memorized' 'You can't even hold a decent conversation with other people' 'You don't even cook well' 'You just sleep all day long' 'You keep on burdening other people with your problem' 'You always run away from your problems' 'You can't get along with people' etc etc etc...

Until finally, I hit a bottomless pit. A pitch black pit that sucked the life out of me. Astaghfirullahalazim...
Nevertheless, I thank Allah for blessing me with such incredible parents who are always there with undying support and unconditional love, such joyful and lovable siblings who kept me on my toes and friends who truly defines the meaning of Ukhuwah Fillah. Alhamdulillah.
All of them pulled me up. Out of the pit. Back on track. Allah is the Most Beneficent.

Today, I went to the GP with a smile. I told her, 'I haven't felt this good in months!'
Her eyes smiled as she grinned with joy. I honestly haven't felt this happy and contented since last year. I told her what had happened for the past few weeks. She listened attentively as I described every detail with utmost purity. We worked out how to deal with the faculty regarding my absence from tutorials and she helped out on how to get back on track with my studies.

Everything went smoothly. I told her I'll be going back to Malaysia for the summer holidays. She gave me enough prescriptions till next year. I anxiously await to leave the consultation room and continue my excellent day.

She then said, 'Well, see you next year then! Have a good holiday! Good luck for your exams!'

I said, 'Huh? No consultation next week?'

She replied, 'You don't need it. You have finally accepted it and dealt with it. I am very proud of you. I think this experience will make you an excellent doctor'

I was stumped. Happy. But stumped. Gloriously Happy. But still stumped.

No more appointments! At least for this year... hehe... I left the consultation feeling refreshed, exuberant and jubilant and so many other positive emotions... Alhamdulillah. Allah is the Greatest. Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah...

Thank you all!

Awake

Every bit of every second
he stood by it
for all the years gone by
without a single cry

Every bit of every second
he knew what he wanted
oh so he thought
he lived for it,
believing that's why he was created

Every inch of him
was primmed, trimmed...like a dream
that was not his.

Pathetic, sure it is
cliche you may say
yet, he lived through it
what a treat

But all that,
he knew not...not till now

Years of sleepwalking, he is finally awake
Alas, he knows not what to do with this break.

Princes Park, Parkville
29 Oct 2008
6.50pm

another egotistical entry

Rahmat Allah melingkupi segenap ruang hidup kita. It’s true. The question is, do you truly understand that and act on it?

Over the past few months, I have convinced myself that I am lacking in myriads of areas. Even though some people look at me in awe and admire the things I can do, I always manage to dismiss all that and prove to them that I am good for nothing. And for that, I am truly disgraceful.

Allah has shown His love for me all these years. Whenever I feel doors of opportunity has been closed for good, He always open them back again, just enough for me to walk through it. I had tonnes of example and looking back, it is just unbelievable how incredibly blessed my life had been.

Back in Standard 5, I enrolled into a private Tahfiz school (IQKL – Institut Al-Quran Kuala Lumpur). I left my primary school in the middle of the semester amidst clear disagreement by my teachers. I was excited to go. Alhamdulillah I can still remember the Surahs I memorized back then. However, being so young and so close to home (the institute was in Damansara), I couldn’t combat the homesickness. I left the institute after a month. Despite my long absence from school, I was blessed by excellent teachers who groomed me to be the best I can. And I think due to the month-long stint in IQKL, my brain and soul were untainted (cleaned). Thus, it was relatively easier to absorb knowledge and get back on track with the rest of the class. In fact, I never felt more at peace and clear-minded. Rahmat Allah, clearly.

After SPM, I was adamant to pursue Maths or English. But a lot was at stake and Medicine seemed to be the best choice at that time. After all, the opportunities were laid before me. After choosing to accept MARA’s offer to read Medicine in Russia, I thought everything is settled. But then my heart was not in it, and I told Pn Nik Noraizah (the MARA officer who was in charge of Russia at that time) that I want to change my course. I told her it was either Maths or English. She let me go. Hence, I entered Malaysian Matriculation in hopes of becoming a Maths or English teacher. However, another opportunity came about. JPA offered me to do Medicine in Australia. I thought about it and jumped at the opportunity though knowing full well where my passion lies. I convinced myself that Allah has given me so many opportunities, it is probably a sign and I should make use of the opportunities. Rahmat Allah, guna sebaiknya.

I left Kolej MARA Kulim and entered INTEC (Ausmat 16). Ausmat was particularly challenging. The stress, the lack of sleep, the lack of self-control etc. Tapi, alhamdulillah atas Rahmat Allah, I scraped through.

Here I am. Monash University. I was confident I would have to repeat my 2^nd year, but once again, Rahmat Allah, I pulled through. This year is different though. I hope I can still push through. Don’t get me wrong, I know Allah does not present us with success if we do not work for it. I know I’ve put a lot of effort all my short life. But in times of need, I do sometimes feel I don’t deserve what I have. Astaghfirullah

Rahmat Allah, sangat berharga. I love Him. I really do. Alhamdulillah, Subhanallah, AllahuAkbar…

…aku hanya hamba kerdil…

Primary

The primary reason why I chose to blog was to share significant experience and impart the puny little knowledge that Allah has vested in me. I think the last entry failed to do that. In retrospect, I don't think it was significant enough. It was clearly a significant chapter in my life. I just don't think it was significant enough for other people who read it. What i mean is, I don't think it is fruitful for them to read about it. I just find that entry to be rather self-absorbed and narcissistic. But then again, this entry is too.

Just my two cents...