Monday, January 25, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I'm sorry I'm so messed up
I'm sorry I haven't been to class in the last 5 weeks
I'm sorry I haven't answered the faculty's calls that they thought I was dead
I'm sorry they had to unlock my bedroom door to make sure I wasn't dead
I'm sorry I don't know what's wrong with me
I'm sorry I feel so alone
I'm sorry I haven't told my family how i'm feeling
I'm sorry I feel so weak
I'm sorry I cannot express how I feel cause I think it's a sign of weakness
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I think I should be perfect
I'm sorry I'm not funnier
heck, I'm sorry I'm not the least bit funny
I'm sorry I'm not sociable
I'm sorry I don't smile much
I'm sorry I cannot tell jokes
I'm sorry I prefer being quiet
I'm sorry I don't know what to say to fill the quietness
I'm sorry I don't know how to act
I'm sorry I can't bear acting anymore
I'm sorry I don't want to act like a doctor
I'm sorry I don't want to be a doctor
I'm sorry I can't bear being wrong in the hospital
I'm sorry I feel so stupid in the hospital
I'm sorry I feel so dumb when I cannot answer questions in rounds
I'm sorry I don't want to live with other people
I'm sorry I feel I'm burdening people with my problems
I'm sorry I feel I'm difficult whenever I ask for help
I'm sorry I don't open up enough to people
I'm sorry I open up too much to people
I'm sorry at times I babble about myself too much that people get annoyed
I'm sorry I am not a better son
I'm sorry I am not a better brother
I'm sorry I am not a better friend
I'm sorry I am not a better student
I'm sorry I am not a better slave
I'm sorry I am not a better person
I'm sorry I feel sorry for myself
I'm sorry I am myself
I'm sorry for everything
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
There is something very special about this guy. I first knew him at INTEC, which was like yesterday. On 2005, we were in the same class. He sat at the back, I sat in the middle. He sat on the left, I was on the right. Back then, the one thing I remember about him was the way he speaks when he has to address the whole class. It was charmingly formal and proper – very distinct from the way he chatted with us. As time went by, I learnt he was a debater, an excellent one at that. Sometimes, I would enter his room in the hostel when I was bored and I would always see him studying. He would be glued to his books and I would instantly go back to my room in embarassment because I should be studying too.
There is another very special thing about this guy. His handwriting. MasyaAllah, how I wish I could write like he does. To say it’s beautiful is an understatement. I remember having a difficult time to borrow his Physics notes because so many people have booked it beforehand. You see, Physics was a sleeping pill and dozing off would mean you could not copy the notes in time. As far as I can remember, Farif was able to copy the notes. There is another very special thing about this guy. His determination. Back at INTEC, he sometimes second-guessed himself. But despite the obstacles he had to overcome, he continued to surpass the odds and emerged victorious. In the end, he scored a really high TER.
When we left for
We have changed a lot too. Since our first year in
Farif is going back to
InsyaAllah, akan bertemu lagi. Ana doakan enta sentiasa dalam redha Allah. Semoga zatiyah dan himmah semakin mantap, moga terus tsabat di jalan yang benar, jalan yang insyaAllah membawa kita ke syurga yang kekal abadi.
Ana uhibbuka fillah ya akhi Farif…
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, November 10, 2008
It has been 2 weeks since I last visited my GP. I had seen her on a weekly basis before that, with some occasional missed appointments. The last time I saw my GP, we decided that I will work on making sure that I can push myself to go to my Clinical Bedsite Tute - a very daunting task indeed. Alhamdulillah, with the grace of Allah, I managed to fulfill that aim albeit at the expense of the other tutes. You see, my brain thought that I should spend my time preparing for the Clinical Bedsite Tute, which means I have to miss the other tutes. It is as true as it is irrational. I guess the silver lining was the fact that I did manage to 'crawl' to the hospital. Alhamdulillah. Allah is the Greatest.
Alas, things went downhill after that.
I psyched myself out every single second. 'Everyone else is so much better than you' 'You are not worth it' 'You can't even remember the Cranial Nerves' 'You keep on forgetting the Surahs you've memorized' 'You can't even hold a decent conversation with other people' 'You don't even cook well' 'You just sleep all day long' 'You keep on burdening other people with your problem' 'You always run away from your problems' 'You can't get along with people' etc etc etc...
Until finally, I hit a bottomless pit. A pitch black pit that sucked the life out of me. Astaghfirullahalazim...
Nevertheless, I thank Allah for blessing me with such incredible parents who are always there with undying support and unconditional love, such joyful and lovable siblings who kept me on my toes and friends who truly defines the meaning of Ukhuwah Fillah. Alhamdulillah.
All of them pulled me up. Out of the pit. Back on track. Allah is the Most Beneficent.
Today, I went to the GP with a smile. I told her, 'I haven't felt this good in months!'
Her eyes smiled as she grinned with joy. I honestly haven't felt this happy and contented since last year. I told her what had happened for the past few weeks. She listened attentively as I described every detail with utmost purity. We worked out how to deal with the faculty regarding my absence from tutorials and she helped out on how to get back on track with my studies.
Everything went smoothly. I told her I'll be going back to Malaysia for the summer holidays. She gave me enough prescriptions till next year. I anxiously await to leave the consultation room and continue my excellent day.
She then said, 'Well, see you next year then! Have a good holiday! Good luck for your exams!'
I said, 'Huh? No consultation next week?'
She replied, 'You don't need it. You have finally accepted it and dealt with it. I am very proud of you. I think this experience will make you an excellent doctor'
I was stumped. Happy. But stumped. Gloriously Happy. But still stumped.
No more appointments! At least for this year... hehe... I left the consultation feeling refreshed, exuberant and jubilant and so many other positive emotions... Alhamdulillah. Allah is the Greatest. Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah... Alhamdulillah...
Thank you all!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
he stood by it
for all the years gone by
without a single cry
Every bit of every second
he knew what he wanted
oh so he thought
he lived for it,
believing that's why he was created
Every inch of him
was primmed, trimmed...like a dream
that was not his.
Pathetic, sure it is
cliche you may say
yet, he lived through it
what a treat
But all that,
he knew not...not till now
Years of sleepwalking, he is finally awake
Alas, he knows not what to do with this break.
Princes Park, Parkville
29 Oct 2008