Was it two months ago? No, probably three. Hmm… maybe even more than that. Usually winter is gloomy, and the gloom ends with the start of spring. But, the gloom never went away. It got darker. Too dark to bear. I could not see. I could not feel the ray of sunlight brushing against me. I’ve had enough.
Help was sought but help wasn’t too helpful. Not as much as I hoped for. But then again, maybe I was hoping for a miracle, that could never happen. I took the medication. I guess it was supposed to shed some light, make the sun shine again. But it never did. Even if it did, it was not for long. I long for some sun. Just a little bit.
Days went by. Weeks went by. Not much changed. The sky is still dark. For some reason, it got darker. I had three appointments that I missed. Three! Who does such a thing?! Who?! Well, I did. Embarassing.
My room felt like a cage. A cage that had no doors. But I have to get out. I cannot stay in. But I could not. I was not strong enough. Where have the strength gone to? So weak. So unbelievably weak. Embarassing.
This week, was the worst week ever.
I summoned enough might to let myself out of the cage. Drove for an hour. Went through a blistering weather. Was stuck in traffic. Scrambled to find my notes for the tutorial that I had. Really scrambled. But couldn’t find it. Went out. In hopes to attend the tutorial. Disappointed that I don’t have the notes. What will I say to the tutor? How will I join in the discussion? How can I understand the material that we have to learn? What will my friends think of me? Thought about all the possible negative thoughts that other people might have about me. They’ll probably say, “Ah, once again, he’s late. That good for nothing guy!”. I arrived. Stepped in front of the tutorial room. Saw everyone inside. The tutorial had commenced. I was late. Late and unprepared. I was 3 cm away from the door. I saw the door knob. My mind wanted to reach for it. But I didn’t. I stepped back. One step. Two steps. Three steps. I turned around. And walked. I stopped again. What am I doing? I am supposed to go in and attend the tutorial. Why am I going back? I convinced myself that it would be embarassing to attend the tutorial. People will laugh at me. People will hate me. I have to leave. And so I did. Embarassing.
I have no confidence. None whatsoever. It is embarassing. I have huge responsibilities. Yet, I cannot fulfill them cause I don’t think I can. Wish it is 25 november 2008. I want to go back. Yes I do.
5 comments:
Salam ziarah,
I know exactly how you feel. I've had similar experiences to yours. In fact, I still do from time to time. But, just a piece of advice. I know it's embarrassing to turn up to class after you haven't showed up for a while. I know it's embarrassing to turn up late…interrupting the class, while all eyes trail you as you walk from the door to your seat. I know it’s embarrassing not to be prepared for the tute. And yes, it's probably true that people talk about you behind your back. And even if they don't talk about it, the thoughts probably did cross their minds.
But, there's nothing you can do about that. Let them talk. Stick and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you. Ignore them, because, if you keep running away, you are the one with a lot to lose. If everybody runs away from their problems, nothing will ever be solved.
So, next time when you see the door knob, stop thinking, just reach out and turn it. It may be embarrassing for a while, but trust me on this, you'll end up relieved that you did it. Because, in the end, even if you were late, even if you were unprepared, even if you’ve embarrassed yourself, you’d end up learning a whole lot. You’d end up feeling better about yourself because you’ve attended what you have to, and you’ve faced your fears. I think it's a rather attractive choice compared to turning back, go home, and hating yourself for days afterwards, wouldn’t you agree?
Anyway, that’s my 2 cents worth.
Wish you all the best of luck, and hope that the dark clouds would be lifted soon. Remember, there’s always a silver lining on every dark cloud.
“Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said ‘When (will come) the Help of Allah?’ Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!”
Salam,
Hmm..I think..u have the potential to be a writer..that is, if u managed to push yourself through those dark clouds..
Have faith in Allah and urself...best wishes..hope ur "medical condition" improves?(didn't really understand about the medication and the appointments stuff)
I'm in a somewhat dark cloud myself, still coping though
Salam
R u ok bro?
Look like you are have a big problem.
If you want someone to talk to, I',m here 24 7.Pls don't kept to yourself alone.
I'll promise I wont tell a soul.
Hope that you can cope with your life there.
Will alwayz pray for u.
Just remember this..
" Although everyone look down to you, I'll alwayz look up to u as u r my brother.That's the only reason that I need to love you with all my heart"
By the way,please go for your check up. it may be something that can be cure if u detect the problem early.
yr sister
Sallam,
Do not put unnecessary pressure on yourself. Nobody can demand more from you than what you can deliver. Even then, you are allowed to slack at times. Aren't we just humans? And remember, whatever you have done or failed to do He is the AlRahman and AlRahim and He will NEVER leave you in a lurch.
Take care of yourself.
Belajor molek2 yer..
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