Apologetic

I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so messed up
I'm sorry I haven't been to class in the last 5 weeks
I'm sorry I haven't answered the faculty's calls that they thought I was dead
I'm sorry they had to unlock my bedroom door to make sure I wasn't dead
I'm sorry I don't know what's wrong with me

I'm sorry I feel so alone
I'm sorry I haven't told my family how i'm feeling
I'm sorry I feel so weak
I'm sorry I cannot express how I feel cause I think it's a sign of weakness
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I think I should be perfect

I'm sorry I'm not funnier
heck, I'm sorry I'm not the least bit funny
I'm sorry I'm not sociable
I'm sorry I don't smile much
I'm sorry I cannot tell jokes
I'm sorry I prefer being quiet
I'm sorry I don't know what to say to fill the quietness

I'm sorry I don't know how to act
I'm sorry I can't bear acting anymore
I'm sorry I don't want to act like a doctor
I'm sorry I don't want to be a doctor
I'm sorry I can't bear being wrong in the hospital
I'm sorry I feel so stupid in the hospital
I'm sorry I feel so dumb when I cannot answer questions in rounds

I'm sorry I don't want to live with other people
I'm sorry I feel I'm burdening people with my problems
I'm sorry I feel I'm difficult whenever I ask for help
I'm sorry I don't open up enough to people
I'm sorry I open up too much to people
I'm sorry at times I babble about myself too much that people get annoyed

I'm sorry I am not a better son
I'm sorry I am not a better brother
I'm sorry I am not a better friend
I'm sorry I am not a better student
I'm sorry I am not a better slave
I'm sorry I am not a better person

I'm sorry I feel sorry for myself
I'm sorry I am myself
I'm sorry for everything

Farif

There is something very special about this guy. I first knew him at INTEC, which was like yesterday. On 2005, we were in the same class. He sat at the back, I sat in the middle. He sat on the left, I was on the right. Back then, the one thing I remember about him was the way he speaks when he has to address the whole class. It was charmingly formal and proper – very distinct from the way he chatted with us. As time went by, I learnt he was a debater, an excellent one at that. Sometimes, I would enter his room in the hostel when I was bored and I would always see him studying. He would be glued to his books and I would instantly go back to my room in embarassment because I should be studying too.

There is another very special thing about this guy. His handwriting. MasyaAllah, how I wish I could write like he does. To say it’s beautiful is an understatement. I remember having a difficult time to borrow his Physics notes because so many people have booked it beforehand. You see, Physics was a sleeping pill and dozing off would mean you could not copy the notes in time. As far as I can remember, Farif was able to copy the notes. There is another very special thing about this guy. His determination. Back at INTEC, he sometimes second-guessed himself. But despite the obstacles he had to overcome, he continued to surpass the odds and emerged victorious. In the end, he scored a really high TER.

When we left for Melbourne, Farif was the few people I knew in University of Melbourne. It took me a month or so before I finally went to visit his apartment (He didn’t visit my room in Halls until the middle of the year..hehe). I finally got to know him in Melbourne. He is an incredible cook. He loves spicy food and loves too cook them. And I love to eat them. When he decided to sell Nasi Lemak with Ridhuan at Uni, I would sometimes travel from Clayton to Melbourne just to buy some of his home-made Nasi Lemak. Hmm… now I don’t know how to continue this entry. I have tons of things to write that it is a bit overwhelming. We have gone through a lot over the past few years and it seems impossible to put it all in writing.

We have changed a lot too. Since our first year in Melbourne, we have had our ups and downs and Farif has stood up for what he believed in. There were times when we disagreed and times when we were on the same page but alhamdulillah, we have not killed each other, yet.

Farif is going back to Malaysia in 2 days. He will give delight to his family in Pulau Indah and leave us in Melbourne. Melbourne will not be the same. I will miss his spicy cooking. I will miss his voice whenever he sings nasyid without a care in the world. I will miss his jokes and sarcasm. I pray that he will be happy and contented with what he has achieved so far. I pray that he will continue to have aspiring dreams to be the best that he can be. I pray that no matter how difficult life treats him, he will sail through them with greater confidence and substance. I pray that this friendship will survive the test of time.

InsyaAllah, akan bertemu lagi. Ana doakan enta sentiasa dalam redha Allah. Semoga zatiyah dan himmah semakin mantap, moga terus tsabat di jalan yang benar, jalan yang insyaAllah membawa kita ke syurga yang kekal abadi.

Ana uhibbuka fillah ya akhi Farif…